February 2012
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Whenever I’m about to defriend someone on Facebook, I look through their pictures and sing “I Will Remember You” by Sarah McLachlan, until I find a gross one, then I immediately hit Remove.
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“Go someplace where nobody knows your name.”
That’s not even that hard to do, manic pixie dreamers. I guarantee you if you go to the Chili’s the next town over, you’re gonna be a stranger. Target. K-mart.
Live your dreams.
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Anonymous asked: dear god I wish you were my boyfriend.
If I was a weatherman, whenever it would get cold, I’d stop reporting the weather and just look at the camera all stern faced and intimidating, point to cities with a pointer, and play a sound byte of Gucci Mane shouting “BURR”.
timheidecker:
ALL THE TIRED HORSES - BY TIM...
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Anonymous asked: did you do anything for your girlfriend yesterday??
I’m at the train station and half the people waiting for this train are dudes going to see their girlfriends for late V-Day stuff and they all have flowers and chocolates and wrapped presents and I’m sitting here with a sandwich from a restaurant she likes just like “haha I got her this”.
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mykicks replied to your post: did you do anything for your girlfriend yesterday??
god, shut up
You’re just jealous because I have a girlfriend and you’ve never had sex with a girl.
My mom is trying to teach my dog to tell apart her...
Oh, mom. No no no no, mom.
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Ryan Gosling's character from Drive at McDonald's.
Cashier: Hello sir, welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?
The Driver: (Stares softly into the cashier's eyes.)
Cashier: I...uh.....oh......
The Driver: (Continues to softly stare. A gentle, almost laughing smile appears on his face.)
Cashier: Please....sir...stop. You need to order something......
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Another unsuccessful social interaction.
I pulled an all nighter last night for a test I had this morning, and I was pretty fucking out of it about a half hour before my test. Everything was a little hazy, a little silly, and I was having a torrid time figuring out what was going on around me. On top of everything else, I had a coffee poo coming on, so I stumbled my way towards the men’s restroom in the COB where I was reviewing, a...
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But where are the Black Eyed Peas?
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A fun drinking game I made up.
1. Take a shot every time you see a post/status about “not caring about the super bowl”.
2. Die.
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I can't wait to see the new movie "Liam Neeson...
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January 2012
All I do is suck in my stomach.
Walking down the street? Suck in my stomach.
At the gym? Suck in my stomach.
Sitting alone in my room eating chips and drinking beer? Suuuuuuck in my stomach.
“Hey Nick, what’re you up to?”
“Nothin much, just holding in my stomach to create the illusion that I haven’t let myself go over the course of three years....
Is there an appreciation blog for Asian College...
because holy hell get on that shit.
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I'm in a completely silent and packed lecture hall
and my fly is unzipped. And no matter how I move my legs, not up nor down, not left nor right, it’s the kind of unzipped fly that kind of imploded outward, so that is just enormously open and noticeable. Gaping, really.
If I zip it, everyone will hear me.
But the girl next to me totally has noticed.
I’m just looking at her mouthing “I am so sorry”.
“Yes! It rhymes! I’m relevant again!”
– Mick Jagger, upon hearing the word “Swagger”.
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If you are a college student
and you don’t steal cups/glasses/silverware/napkins/condiments/salt/pepper/sugar/other things on the table from restaurants or bars
then you are doing it wrong.
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“Man, was Aristotle his full name?! Maybe it was his his first name or last...”
– My professor, failing to connect with today’s college youth.
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It took me dragging my ass to a pub at 10 AM to...
to finally “get” screaming at the TV when sports are on. I get it. It’s amazing.
I am a man today, Dad.
Anonymous asked: You're the funniest person I follow on tumblr. I hope people appreciate you. I'd like to quickly clarify and say I think you seem pretty smart and collected as well. You're not just "the funny guy" but just seem to be an all around good person. Anyway, I'm in a good mood so I figured I'd let you know what I thought and what you deserved to know. Keep on Keeping...
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Making new friends!
(Hurrying into math class 2 minutes before it starts, find an open seat)
Girl in seat next to me: Hey, you’ve got some….
Me: Huh?
Girl: Next to your mouth….it looks like pizza sauce…
Me: Oh. Yeah. I ate a piece of cold pizza on the way here.
Girl: Seriously? It’s 9 in-
Me: Please. I know what time it is.
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Sometimes I’ll say “It’s so windy out”, but really I just said “It’s so indie out”.
nobody ever notices.